Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Good Deep Breath

Ah! Doesn't that feel nice?

I realized, in the midst of messy house, screaming children, unfinished school work, yet-again-still-at-work-way-too-late-husband, utter exhaustion and unbidden tears streaming down my face at a simple question ("How are you?") that I've been holding my breath through all the busy-ness, celebration, and even the simple routines of autumn. I've missed out on really being present for my favorite season, my grounding and hearth-warming season. I have been holding my breathe so long and tight that I've started floating away, my head in the clouds, busier imagining all the brighter futures we could have instead of doing my work, making THIS life, here and now, as bright and beautiful as possible. Unfortunately children and housework, school work and all of the day-to-day couldn't join me on my dream-tour, and had to make do here on earth without me.

I've been holding my breath for fear of crying out loud at the terrible prospect of MORE job losses, ones that could directly affect our little family, ones tied to the whim of voters. Holding my breath for fear of saying out loud all the ways I've been worried. One person in the family being stressed out is enough, and worry is my husband's job. My job is eternal optimism, unshakable confidence that it will all work out just right, no matter what IT is. Anxious weather watching, sunny-day umbrella carrying, that's his job. Silver lining shining, pot of gold finding, that's mine.

But election day is over, the voting is done, all those opinions have been counted. The sales tax that pays 1/3 of the office budget passed, overwhelmingly. Overwhelmingly! Jobs are a little safer, for awhile anyway. Mortgages can be paid, groceries bought, Christmas and oh! all those birthdays maybe not so bleak. I can breathe.

I can take a deep breath, let it go, take another, and come back down to earth. Back down to the house full of boys and chores and laundry. Landing on a mountain of laundry, it turns out, is a pretty soft landing after all, and is a great vantage point for scoping out rainbows' end. And silver linings are a lot easier to see when the storm clouds are just passing over, not dumping down on your head.

I can take another breath, an even deeper one, one full of gratitude and thanksgiving. Here I am, here we are, and it is wonderful, right here and now!

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